i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
