Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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