he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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