My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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