Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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