I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
