I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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