i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
