I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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