Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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