The best revenge is premature balding
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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