Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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