I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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