the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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