If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
