Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
