omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to make out with him forever
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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