Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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