I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
