I just threw up on my dentist
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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