remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
