Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
