If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
