i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize