This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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