The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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