And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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