Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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