i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
