You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
