ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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