I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
