forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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