tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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