I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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