i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
tell me about the fingering
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
