Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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