This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
