apparently the secret to your success is patron
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
