well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
