I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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