So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
