Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
