Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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