god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
and you fell through a lawn chair
we're so committed to being not committed
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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