question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
