So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
3pm strippers are depressing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
