the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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