I think my fart just growled at me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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