He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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