eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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