So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
