its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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