tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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