You made me cry and you don't even care
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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